CRADLE OF HOPE

” Mama,she has a boyfriend ! Do you know she didn’t do the dishes but rush off to see him. The boy is…,” she whispered and I entered in the kitchen.
” Who is the boy?” my mother asked furiously.
” It’s Tau,that imbecile ,useless boy from that corner,” she replied , pointing with her middle finger on her left..
My heart was beating but Tau wasn’t my boyfriend. Why was my little sister lying?She just saw me standing, talking to him about school which I wanted to attend. And I never left the house without doing the dishes first. I was more like a maid at home.
Life taught me to accept that you can’t control what people say or their actions. I made a cradle of hope in my heart. I became self spirit and a introvert. I made myself believe in good things and positives . I cast out negatives from my mind. I principled my heart never to allow negatives in it and I obliged to keep that in mind . My story goes like this: one day on a sunny day ,the bird were chirping in the trees. I thought it was a wonderful morning.
” You are useless… that is why that man left you,” she shouted as always .
The word ‘ useless’ was said everyday,it never escaped her mouth and I came to accept it. I needed money to buy my kids some pants because the one they had were worn out. I had to ask my mother for money because she had promised to help me with my children. I sat under the mango tree ,with thoughts draining my energy.
” You should be like your sister,” my mother spoke behind me.
I wondered how she found me because I had left her in the kitchen. My sister​ and I never finished school but my sister had a business that her sugar daddy had opened for her. A few months ago I had me home after my boyfriend left with another woman . I made a mistake by staying with a man who never married me. I just wanted to stick to one partner. I fell pregnant whole still doing my matric. When I ran off ,I became pregnant again with another child,I thought the man would marry me. I envied some of my classmates who got married after running off with their boyfriends. It was my desire to be like them. I had disappointed my parents and I was ashamed to return but my mother gave me hope at first until I saw that she hadn’t changed.
” Take the kids back to their family,” she shouted behind me,with threatening eyes.
I walked away because my head was about to burst. And I didn’t want to fight with her. I was a quiet child that always obeyed​ my parent but peer pressure drove me to have a boyfriend before I had finished school. I always yearned my parent’s love I was like a black sheep in the family. I was a lonely in my childhood .
Long ago when I was 9 I was snatched by a man who stayed​ in same street and he raped me. My parent didn’t believe me and beat me instead and made me believe I wanted to be sexual abused. That incident triggered in my mind for years . I became scared of men but I wanted to be loved​ .One day after studying for matric I noticed my peers had boyfriends​,I decided to have one. I didn’t want to be left out of the fun.
” She only think about men,look at her . She brought kids and sickness,” my mother told my neighbor ,Mama Vimbi while I swept​ the house.
It was bad that their voices were loud . I wish someone would scold my mother of teasing me like I was a stranger. My mother loved gossiping on the wall ,I felt prying eyes on me but decided not to look. The pain in me was too much for me to bear.
” She has Aids?” the neighbors murmured.
” She is stupid…. I didn’t raise her. Her father spoiled her ,” my mother’s​ voice sounded serious but inside I heard laugh sub- consciously in my head.
There was mumbling and gasping among them but this time I couldn’t hear what they said. Tears itched in my eyes and I let them fell on my face. I dab the tear off with the back of my hand,my heart was in pain. I asked myself why I was in this world. Was there a place where I would have a mother full of love?
Everyday was a torture. Sometimes I wished I was never born. I had suicidal thoughts but when I looked at my children , I worry . If I die with my parents and sister hating me ,would they look after my offspring? Suicide would make my children suffer more. I had to find a way how to handle this. People nearby became scared to sit close or next with me or my children because of my status. My children had no friends because of me ,it broke my heart . But where I was ,my children would be.
One cold night after making the children sleep ,I sat outside and looked at the stars . They looked beautiful and I wish I was a star that shine. A shooting star passed in front of my eyes. I had glimpse of hope .A ideas of making something for myself came up in my mind.
Next day I was joyful and excitement was growing in me but I hide it from my parents ,they wouldn’t spoil it. I was going to use some money I had after selling the father of my children’ s suits and chest drawer and buy stock. The money wasn’t much, I brought popcorns and cooking oil with packing plastics.
” What are you thinking ? You think popcorn will feed your children? ” my mother mocked as I was confident with my business’ s idea.
I didn’t respond but learnt to be absent minded to people’s​ words. I popped and packed in plastics​,day by day I sold them by side of the road . My family was embarrassed of me because my parents had good paying jobs. I managed​ to buy my children clothes and panties.
” From today ,start cooking your own pot for yourself and your children. Since you have a business mind now ,” my mother instructed with her face mocking me.
I had no problem because I had hope everything would be fine one day. Day by day I had much profit that I raised money to buy more stock and add more stock like chips and biscuits on the list. I didn’t give up ,my children had all their needs.
” I guess life wanted me to learn to be strong,” I whispered to myself as a customer walk away after buying three packs of popcorns. I looked at the notes and coins in my purse and I smiled with hope.
In a month I had cigarettes​ added on the list and I made hot dogs and burgers . I was happy though I knew I had nobody and people started to envy me . Even my neighbors,they were shocked that the so called AIDS I had ,my customers were not afraid of it. I thought they would chase my customers but people loved me.
” How much are the popcorns?” she asked shyly.
” 2 Rand,” I replied smiling.
” Wow,give me one,” she handed me a five Rand .
I search for change and gave her three rand.
” Give me two and keep the change,” she pushed​ my hand and I smiled because I could pop more and make more profit.
” Thank you!” I murmured in shock and watched her disappear in the thin air.
I didn’t notice my sister,Tshidi was behind me ,she laughed hysterically.
” So you are friendly to the people who hurt you,” she shook her head with a smirk on her face.
” If I were you ,I would chase them away”
My baby was crying for a lollipop that I grabbed from him . I didn’t respond to Tshidi but sat down and took my baby in my hands and patted him on my chest Tshidi’ s eyes were questioning and mocking.
” You have a heart,” she added and jested away.
I would never do wrong for wrong but good for all because one day it would come back to me . I noticed that when you respond to crazy people you will be the craziest and end up having a headache. Silence is the best since I couldn’t control people’s​ words and actions.
I accepted I was me and would never be anybody because each one of is unique and different . I was special in my own way and I had to embrace it. My business was doing well,more than my sister’s that I made biggest enemies with my family again.
My father would agree with anything my mother . I would say like he was under my mother’s authority. He was a ‘yes, yes ‘ to my mother even when my mother would say jump on the fire .
” I went to the prophet and they told me one of my relatives doesn’t want my business to prosper,” Tshidi grumbled.
” Obvious it’s her,” she winked at her and I knew she meant me.
My mind was another planet. I had to move or a fight would break through. Nobody supported me , though I had my own support. I asked around for rooms to let . I didn’t let anyone know my plans because I knew my parents would object. My mother and sister wanted me to suffer in their eyes but I wasn’t giving in.
” She is a witch who bewitched her sister. How could business blossomed out of nowhere? “a voice spoke while I was dashing off to find a cheap room.
” She took a ‘ tokoloshe’ and she will kill innocent people”
I wanted to laugh. Did they know my family to be innocent? I smirked and pretended not to hear.
” Indeed from popcorns now she sell burgers and have orders coming on,” another murmured.
I didn’t look back to avoid arguments and anger. I just told myself to forgive them for they didn’t know what they doing.
Next day found a cheap room but in another city .I didn’t know how to break the news to my family. But my mind was battling because I wanted to question them why they call me a witch. My heart ached but I knew that I wouldn’t get answers at all but cause a havoc. I returned and found my mother and father in lounge eating dinner while my children watched on. That wasn’t the issue though!
” Mama and Papa ,I have something to say,” I spoke calmly.
” If it’s about food…. I told you to buy your own food for your children . Didn’t I tell you to let these leeches go to their family,” my mother hissed with a chuck in her mouth.
I didn’t have time to object but let me get down to business,” I am moving out”
There was a moment of silent until a laughter broke. There was a laughter in kitchen ,it was Tshidi ,I know and other one was from my mother .
” Where will you sleep? Do you have pots and a stove? You leave my blankets and all my things . You hear?” she sounded harsh and serious and pointed at me with her index finger.
” Okay mama… I will still leave ,” I rubbed my lips against another , confidently.
My mother laughed and I took my children to the kitchen to make them something to eat. Family is the best but we don’t choose our family but I was born alone and will die alone meaning I had to be strong .
I had courage and I wasn’t afraid. I didn’t know where it came from but maybe it was because I wanted to prove my mother wrong . Or it was because I believed everything will work out. I was glad I was trusting this and eventually I managed to buy my own bed and other furniture. In two months I rented two rooms because I brought sofa and a big plasma. I was happy ,finally my hard work paid off. I believed in myself and didn’t let people’s words take me back or give up.
My mother and sister envied me ,at first they frowned at me . Their facial expression was full of jealousy and mocking. But lately they begged me for money or to buy them anything in which I would be generous. She was my mother who put me in the world . I learnt to forgive them for everything they did to me and I was free.
Today I still grateful that I didn’t let words hurt me but stood still like a rock that was unmovable for years​. I encourage you never to give up no matter what. We only control our reactions​ but not how people treat us or say to us. Learn to be ignorant to things that hurt or take you noway but concentrate on things that build your life.

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